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A Gentleman's Guide to Business & Life
a treatise on matters of significance by Percy Bellweather, Gaston Freeborow & Walter Mapletree
No. 84
Once a bold pronouncement of virility in bygone eras perhaps dating back to the mighty Etruscans, the noble history of the codpiece should not be understated. It remains still the perfect accoutrement to an afternoon of courtship or as a protective genital sheath from the haphazardly discarded refuse of passersby.
No. 8
If a gentleman is out on a midday hunt and finds himself struggling to locate suitable prey, he should consider utilizing the services of a monocle. As fashionable as functional, this marvel of modern technology provides its user with the accuracy of a skilled marksman and the je ne sais quoi of a leading man from the Hollywood talkies.
No. 33
A gentleman has no need for prophylactics, for his seed is courteous and perspicacious enough to discern when is not a felicitous time for germination.
No. 107
After the consumption of great volumes of scotch or brandy, it is permissible to vomit in public so long as you loudly and repeatedly declare, “I assure you, everyone, that is it not me who is vomiting!”
No. 26
When a young gentleman comes of age, he shall emulate the venerable peacock by growing a sumptuous mustache. A gentleman’s first mustache should be comprised of the flocculent whiskers of his primogenial growth and serve to announce his vigour and stalwart prowess to the opposite sex.
No. 9
If, in the course of one’s daily affairs, a gentleman should encounter a lady who regularly carries bismuth, he should contemplate immediate courtship. A sour stomach is not to be trifled with and a woman with an effective remedy is rarer than a periwinkle chrysanthemum.
1903. Gentlemen from the University of Michigan.
